firing on all cylinders!!!!

Things get hectic in a fishing season, especially Arkansas in the spring. Right now I'm chasing water temps on the smallie rivers, white bass runs, pinning hatches down, and chasing down virgin streamer runs.

Other times of the year, one or two of these things may happen at any given time, allowing a fishing guide to concentrate on a given product and give it a nudge. Right now, I'm a 6 month old jack russell terrier chasing my tail at mach 12.

How do I decide what to do? Its pretty simple really. I just ask "Joe Fisherman" what he wants to do.

JA "Forrest, I've never really hit the mother's day hatch before."

Forrest "No problem Joe Angler, the hatch is popping on about 18 miles of river"

JA "Forrest, how's the smallie fishing? Is there a particular river you would reccomend"

Forrest "there is no particular river right now, pick one out of a hat, it'll fish great, if you want bigger ones, lets concentrate on some green water."

JA "So i hear you like to pitch the secret chicken, are they on?"

Forrest "Is the Pope Catholic? Crawdads are popping, and the sculpins are in the mood right now so its easy pickin."

JA "How's the nymph fishing?"

Forrest "Why? I guess we could catch 80 fish on that today, but what's the point, let me explain what's going on right now...."

In short, we are in the middle of a "happening." The stars have aligned. At the same time, I'm running all over Northern Arkansas putting boats up dirty, switching for the other dirty boat the next day, scrounging through fly boxes that look like a mortar round went off inside. I've got time to do the three S's in the morning (scratch that, two) and thats about it. A good nights sleep is a faint memory. I've got a day off tomorrow so everything's okay. Wait, I just heard a gobble out back and there's a few days of turkey season left. Guess I can sleep when I'm dead.......or June.....I hope.

so you want to be a fishing guide?

I've found myself to be socially handicapped. If you ask my good friends, or even the sports I take out in my boat they would scream blasphemy. I never run out of stories or jokes in these circumstances. But when i take the lovely lady to the local watering hole or meet new people, its tough to get a word in. It's also not that I'm timid with new people. I always get stuck on one simple introductory question, "So what do you do (for a living)?"

I'm a fishing guide, a fly fishing guide at that. I'm not embarrassed. I absolutely love my job. The office views are great, and the gossip doesn't revolve around a broken copy machine but where the next caddis push is going to explode. The only screaming a guide will ever hear is from a Hardy fly reel, not an unrelenting superior. But its still a job.

When I lived in Missoula, MT the profession was very common. The morning commute was predominantly pick up trucks and drift boats. If a person wasn't a fishing guide, they were related or at least knew one. They knew the gig, its splendors and its spoils. Arkansas is a different case.

In my hometown of Fayetteville, guides are harder to find then putting a bead down on a late night snipe hunt. In Mountain Home, guides are prevalent, but more of the weekend warrior variety. If you throw the word "fly fishing" in the mix there's no telling what the civilian you are conversing with will say. I've had the follow up questions vary from "so how do you catch your flies" to "what does a fishing airplane look like".

Now this doesn't bother me so much. It's the follow ups like:

"So what's your real job?"

or

"People pay you to fish with them? That's awesome! I think I want to be a fishing guide."

So you want to be a fishing guide huh?

Here's the gig:

Hours:

Up at 4:00 am, prepping boats, checking flows, and putting together a couple game plans (always a plan B and C)

Pick the clients up at 7:30, and on the river by 8:00-8:30

Fish till 5:00 pm (seems like a normal blue collar gig so far)

Trailer the boat, drop the clients off at 6:00 pm

Wash the boat, fill the truck up and arrive at home 7:00 pm

Give the lovely lady a peck on the cheek, tell her you still remember what she looks like, shovel down the food the said saint has made for you 7:30

make the phone calls to all your clients for the next day about pick up times, food likes and dislikes, and of course "how's the fishing been?" always comes up. so if a guide has got a couple boats out the next day.....expect 8:30 (still not done)

Crank out a couple dozen flies. In Montana this isn't a big problem. Most fly companies gear a majority of their bug patterns to western hatches and rivers. But that is not the case in Arkansas. If you want to catch fish, you tie your own flies. we also fish a lot of 5 and 6x so at least a dozen or two to replace the break offs. 10:00 pm

Finally done!!! 18 hours later.....

Now its private time....talk to the Misses, make sure she still doesn't want to divorce you. Ask about her day, the bit every average Joe does.

This is the average day in the life of a fishing guide. This does not include the days that you stall out on your float to wait for a late hatch, or an evening streamer bite. If that happens add a couple hours to the day.

Still want to be a fishing guide? Its long hours but the job is still a cake walk right?

......wrong.

I love my job, but its no cake walk. I don't push papers, but I get hit with errant casts. I don't have to meet deadlines, but sometimes the fish are being stubborn. I don't have to work on excel, but I do untangle things more complex than an algorithm from a NASA Scientist.

Still want to be a fishing guide?

A guide not only catches fish, but is a jack of all trades. In any given day, a person in the trade can: pack a faulty trailer bearing, get a blind man to set the hook on a pod sipping #24 midges, repair Jack and Jill's marriage (when fishing with a dis functional couple), hold a piss bucket while an 82 year old fisherman relieves himself, act somewhat interested in a man's stamp collection for 9 hours, and somehow manage to catch a few fish.

That's my job, its tough, its gritty, and I love the ever living snot out of it. I love the comradery with the clients, I love the challenge of the new fisherman. Maybe I'm a glutton for punishment. There is one thing I don't enjoy, and that's having to explain what it is that I actually "do".

Speaking the lingo

Fly fishermen in general are definitely a different breed, and fishing guides, who rarely make it out from behind the sticks, have evolved into something that separates them from the civilian population within the same ecosystem. Depending on the person asked they could be placed on either side of the human spectrum, super or sub human.

I have always thought that guides, especially fly guides fell right in the middle with the ordinary Joe, yet the misconception lies within the different vocabulary and dialects we use. I can see as to how many might think of us as being an evolved and intelligent humanoid when

"ovapositing trichoptera" rolls off the tongue. And yet the indecipherable grunts and groans of a bloan cast or a large streamer to the back of the head lead many people to believe that a chimpanzee's communication skills are closer to that of a Rhodes scholar in the evolutionary chain.

For those civilians that frequent the same rivers and streams as a guide or those of you who might decide to follow my frequent ramblings, I have created a translation to help cross the linguistic barrier.

Dirt Snake- a san juan worm

Wet Chicken- any streamer over 6"

Baby Chicken- any streamer under 6"

Turd- a girdle bug/ Pat's stone

Poaching Water- a blatant low hole (someone pulls in and fishes down stream) or any whoring of your water by another angler.

Double Bagging- wearing two rain coats due to a down pour

Devil's Rig- a dirt snake with a dirt snake dropper

Shooting heads- contrary to belief this is not a game violation. it is casting to a rising fish.

San Francisco Trout- a rainbow trout hooked in the anus.

toofah: two trout landed on one rig with a dropper, pronounced twoferrr' in Arkansas

White River two step: also known as the san juan shuffle. kicking one's feet on the bottom to create a feeding frenzy. this is a no no

Walter Jr. a brown trout under 24"

fish !+@*: a picture of nice fish...usually in the grip n grin pose

grip n grin: grip a trout and grin for the camera

old man river: blue hair fishing guide....someone that was a fishing guide/ fisherman before dirt was invented.

attitude adjustment: a can of Copenhagen

crossing some one's eyes: hitting them in the back of the head with a large split shot or heavy fly due to an errant cast

biorhythm: also associated with "holding your mouth right" has to do with being able to catch fish or not catch fish on many days. hangovers are also directly correlated to biorhythms.

angel dust: a special something that you put into a dubbing blend to push your pattern over the edge. give it that fishy twinkle. also known as pixie dust.

steak and eggs: flesh fly and egg pattern fished simultaneously

oar wh*re: a fishing guide that rows a drift boat. there are also many other titles for this wily character that are not suitable for this site. Very rare in Arkansas, but are being seen more and more.

billy bob back troll: people seen back trolling on the White River while smoking a cigarette and drinking a beer simultaneously. The consumption of alcohol and operation of a boat is illegal and not condoned by the author of this translator.

Duel carburetor- a hardy fly reel

Blue striped tiger with a wench- a war eagle fly rod with a flueger automatic reel

Whistling Gopher- usually frequents fishing shows. they ask "how much does one of them fishing trips go fer'?" when hit with the amount they begin to whistle.

fly shop talk 20- a 16 inch fish.

Seventh ring of hell- a y2k with a san juan dropper

s#xual intellectual: an f%^&%$ know it all

trout park brigade: people that feel that you are standing over the only fish in the river. so they fish on your hip pocket while there is 2 miles of open water to be had. This mentality is usually brought about from being reared in a "trout park" north of the Arkansas border. the standard line "if i knew you were going to fish this close to me I would have brought another sandwich" is appropriate during these encounters. the problem is easily diffused when you give the fellow angler a couple hot flies, a bead on another good spot. other aliases for this character include "roaring river renegades" or the "Missouri Mafia". in the duck hunting world this would be known as the "South Carolina Swat Team". Side note- this term does not include most and is not limited to people indigenous to the states of South Carolina and Missouri. All fisherman from any region that act in this way are deemed a member of the TPB. The author has always enjoyed the company and been appalled by the actions of persons of all regions of the US and multiple continents. May not be deemed politically correct by many, but "I ain't your politician, I'm your fishing guide."

Sagesocrat- a person with a deep wallet, and limited fishing talent. the method behind the madness is they think "fishyness" can be purchased through a goofy hat, an expensive rod, and a $500 pair of waders.

I think that will cover the basic needs. I won't go in to deep on the scientific names of the bugs or other technicalities. I'd rather watch paint dry. Now onto the inaudible grunts and groans.

hawlysheetahh- an angler is dropping his cast and hitting everyone in the boat

susususususset- your fly just got eaten. set the hook

giviteer- usually happens on a slow day. the fishing guide is mentally beat and wants to change your flies. usually followed by a more audible. "if it doesn't work, it doesn't ride for free".

hoooolyfufufufufdidjayaseet- The biggest fish in the area code just ate your fly or possibly took a swat at it.

Hopefully this crash course will help the masses understand the more elusive and somewhat secretive critter we like to call a fishing guide. Now if someone could streamline the female dialects and the true meanings of their groans......